I am fighting depression. I will win, there is no doubt of that in my mind. However, depression has entered and is lying on the couch with me eating. It is looking in the mirror and crying with me.
How I used to cope with life is by working out and doing cardio. I would go to the gym 5 days a week and feel great doing it. It made me so happy. It made me love life. It was my "thing". Another thing I used to love doing was taking great care of my dog. I used to love taking her for long walks and giving her lots of attention. Yet another thing I loved was my hair. It was my security blanket and that too is gone. Not to mention that my hair is going to be shaved for the 3rd time for my next surgery. Yes it will grow back but all these things have been simultaneously taken from me. I have 6 snakes. They too are being neglected. I am not able to take care of my pets properly because I have a limited amount of energy and also the depression is not helping.
I feel so insecure sometimes. I want to go to the mall today which is about 15 minutes from here but I am a bit apprehensive about it. I dont know. I spend my weekends in my house and thats not good. Sometimes I am obligated because I am not well enough to go out but right now I am feeling fine. That could change at any minute. You never know when those weird feelings are going to show their ugly face and that in itself is nerve wrecking.
Well I have a lot of issues to sort out. I think it is because so much is unresolved in my life. It is the uncertainty of the outcome of all this. Will my MRI come out clear at the end of February or will there still be swelling? What will be done if there is swelling? Will I have to go back on those incapcitating steroids? Will I have my surgery to cover the hole in my head in March? That is a HUGE weight to carry around. A HUGE WEIGHT. That is why I am falling apart and gaining weight and using food for comfort since everything else has been taken away which is compounding my problems.
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I should be an expert on depression, but mostly I know what not to do or say. I hate it when someone offers what is supposed to be encouragement: the "put on a happy face" type of comments. That is just saying: "it is your fault you are depressed. If you did something differently you wouldn't be". I was just remembering Elizabeth, a few days before she went to bed for the last time, going out to pick out tile. I don't know if that is encouraging, but she seemed to have something there (maybe stubborness). Perhaps you have some similar stubborness to tap into.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth and my mom are great inspirations to me. I learned how to be brave, determined and sure, stubborn, well I dont know if stubborness is from them or if it's just because I am a Taurus. When I think of them, I think FEARLESS. Thanks for sharing. I know what you mean. One of the things that I cannot stand that people say to me is, "Well you know, it could be worse". Oooooh, that burns me!
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