ITS 5:15AM AND I'M GONNA LEAVE FOR THE HOSPITAL IN 15 MINUTES.
THIS IS SURREAL. I CANT BELIEVE I'M GONNA DO THIS AGAIN.
WORST PART: COMING OUT OF SURGERY
2ND: ANTICIPATING THE SURGERY FOR MONTHS, WEEKS, DAYS
3RD: BEGINNING OF RECOVERY
4TH: PAIN AND DISCOMFORT
5TH: ANXIETY
ALRIGHT WELL I'M SIGNING OUT.
NEXT TIME I POST WILL PROBABLY BE IN A WEEK OR SO.
LOVE,
MARIA
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Day is Finally Here
I've been waiting an entire year for this day (6/23/10). I am every emotion that exists all in one right now. But three emotions that are prominent are excitement, optimism and relief; as this horrific chapter in my life is coming to an end.
I have such a beautiful future ahead of me. Just this last hurdle and then it's a glorious life for me.
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND OPTIMISM.
IM GONNA DO THIS, READY TO FIGHT, FEARLESS AND DETERMINED. I MEAN BUSINESS. THIS ISN'T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO! (MY FAVORITE LINE FROM MOMMY DEAREST)
I have to be at the hospital at 7am for an MRI and then I will be rolled into surgery at 8:30am. I will be in the hospital for only a week God willing and then will recover anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks at my sister Bizzy's house. I anticipate returning to work on August 24th, 2010.
Unlike my first two recoveries, this will be a smooth recovery, I can feel it in my gut and we all know what that means, it means that God is telling me so.
All right party people, let's do this! This story is over. I'll see you on the other side (the other side of this surgery that is).
I have such a beautiful future ahead of me. Just this last hurdle and then it's a glorious life for me.
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND OPTIMISM.
IM GONNA DO THIS, READY TO FIGHT, FEARLESS AND DETERMINED. I MEAN BUSINESS. THIS ISN'T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO! (MY FAVORITE LINE FROM MOMMY DEAREST)
I have to be at the hospital at 7am for an MRI and then I will be rolled into surgery at 8:30am. I will be in the hospital for only a week God willing and then will recover anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks at my sister Bizzy's house. I anticipate returning to work on August 24th, 2010.
Unlike my first two recoveries, this will be a smooth recovery, I can feel it in my gut and we all know what that means, it means that God is telling me so.
All right party people, let's do this! This story is over. I'll see you on the other side (the other side of this surgery that is).
Saturday, June 19, 2010
One Red Eye
I went to the gym yesterday. I was working out a bit harder than usual, probably more than I should have been. I had to stop half-way through because I started to get symptoms of fatigue like some mild shaking, nausea and dizziness. So with that came on the anxiety. I left the gym and went home. I had to take a xanax in the car I was so stressed. Then you start thinking, "I hope I can make it home, I hope I dont have a seizure in the car and crash it, etc." So many horrific scenarios go through your mind and with that creates more anxiety.
So I get home and notice the white of my left eye is really very red. The right one was white like normal. So here I go in my head, thinking what is happening here? Is it a hemorrhage in my brain caused by lifting too heavy? The anxiety was so bad that I had to call my dad because I was so scared. Then I started to feel light headed. Right before I went to bed I looked at my eye and it was even more red. I cried a bit and prayed to God and attempted to go to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept twitching and was hoping that I wouldn't die in my sleep. I wish that someone was there to comfort me. But there wasn't. It was just God and I. Then I got this horrible feeling of doom and terror. It was around 1am and I just had to talk to someone. So I called my sister Aimee. She didn't answer probably because she was working. So I just stood my ground like a warrior and tried to think good thoughts.
As you've seen in a previous post, i've gone for weeks feeling so close to 100% and really enjoying my life. The prospect of regressing is devastating. I just want to have normal worries and concerns like having enough money to pay the mortgage. Whenever something weird happens to my body, like the appearance of a single red eye, you can't help but say to yourself in so many words, "oh God, I dont want to die!" Because that's the bottom line. I've never been this paranoid before and I would think that it's gonna take some time for this anxiety and paranoia to go away.
I hope they will proceed with surgery with this red eye. I woke up this morning thankfully and had no pillow under my head. My pillow was pushed to the other side of the bed. I wonder what happened in my sleep? Did I have a seizure or did I just jerk really hard, or was I thrashing? Before all this brain tumor crap I would have just laughed at that and said "boy I must have been dreaming hard". But now, it's a new world.
Maybe it's this surgery that is slowly but surely trinkleing towards me that is causing all these things. I dont know anymore. Im tired. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I would like someone else to take over being the strong one for me. I know I am incredibly strong but even I need a break sometimes.
Anyway, it's the next day, Saturday, June 19, 2010 and my eye is still very red. Pray for me.
P.S. I HATE ALL OF THIS!
So I get home and notice the white of my left eye is really very red. The right one was white like normal. So here I go in my head, thinking what is happening here? Is it a hemorrhage in my brain caused by lifting too heavy? The anxiety was so bad that I had to call my dad because I was so scared. Then I started to feel light headed. Right before I went to bed I looked at my eye and it was even more red. I cried a bit and prayed to God and attempted to go to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept twitching and was hoping that I wouldn't die in my sleep. I wish that someone was there to comfort me. But there wasn't. It was just God and I. Then I got this horrible feeling of doom and terror. It was around 1am and I just had to talk to someone. So I called my sister Aimee. She didn't answer probably because she was working. So I just stood my ground like a warrior and tried to think good thoughts.
As you've seen in a previous post, i've gone for weeks feeling so close to 100% and really enjoying my life. The prospect of regressing is devastating. I just want to have normal worries and concerns like having enough money to pay the mortgage. Whenever something weird happens to my body, like the appearance of a single red eye, you can't help but say to yourself in so many words, "oh God, I dont want to die!" Because that's the bottom line. I've never been this paranoid before and I would think that it's gonna take some time for this anxiety and paranoia to go away.
I hope they will proceed with surgery with this red eye. I woke up this morning thankfully and had no pillow under my head. My pillow was pushed to the other side of the bed. I wonder what happened in my sleep? Did I have a seizure or did I just jerk really hard, or was I thrashing? Before all this brain tumor crap I would have just laughed at that and said "boy I must have been dreaming hard". But now, it's a new world.
Maybe it's this surgery that is slowly but surely trinkleing towards me that is causing all these things. I dont know anymore. Im tired. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I would like someone else to take over being the strong one for me. I know I am incredibly strong but even I need a break sometimes.
Anyway, it's the next day, Saturday, June 19, 2010 and my eye is still very red. Pray for me.
P.S. I HATE ALL OF THIS!
It's Official, I'm a homeowner!
Yep! that's right. I closed on my condo on Friday, June 18, 2010. Made it just in time before my surgery. That is a big load off my shoulders.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death
I will Fear no Evil; For you are with me.
I've been having incredibly wonderful days like I have never experienced before in my lifetime. I am filled with such a happiness and an appreciation for life like I have never known. I feel so fortunate for these gifts.
Sure I am apprehensive about this upcoming surgery, for I wouldn't be human if I were not fearful. At the same time, I feel very confident about it. I am at peace with it. My gut feeling tells me that I am going to recover very quickly and be just as good or better than I am now. I feel that. The feeling I get in my gut is God's way of comforting and guiding me. I know it to be true for me anyway. That is my relationship with God. That is why I always go with my gut. That is how I make all decisions in my life.
I Thank You God for all my family and friends supporting and nurturing me back to life with patience, selflessness and compassion through this most difficult, horrific, challenging and life threatening experience. I couldn't survive without all of these qualities in the human race. Thank you all for being selfless human beings.
I've been having incredibly wonderful days like I have never experienced before in my lifetime. I am filled with such a happiness and an appreciation for life like I have never known. I feel so fortunate for these gifts.
Sure I am apprehensive about this upcoming surgery, for I wouldn't be human if I were not fearful. At the same time, I feel very confident about it. I am at peace with it. My gut feeling tells me that I am going to recover very quickly and be just as good or better than I am now. I feel that. The feeling I get in my gut is God's way of comforting and guiding me. I know it to be true for me anyway. That is my relationship with God. That is why I always go with my gut. That is how I make all decisions in my life.
I Thank You God for all my family and friends supporting and nurturing me back to life with patience, selflessness and compassion through this most difficult, horrific, challenging and life threatening experience. I couldn't survive without all of these qualities in the human race. Thank you all for being selfless human beings.
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