Sunday, March 28, 2010

Having Good Times

Hello all,

I must say I have been feeling awesome as of late. I went to the gym for the first time in a long time and it felt great because that is one of my favorite things in the world. I wasn't able to do my usual workout, but it was a good start.

Today is the first day that i'm not feeling so hot. But I feel that it is nothing that rest cannot resolve.

Also I went to a wedding last weekend and was able to dance all night. I do have some serious anxiety at times. However, distractions seem to dispel that anxiety, like having friends, family and my dog around to make me feel comfortable and relaxed.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Anticipation is Killing me!

Well what I have to look forward to:

- MRI Results in May 2010
- Whatever the results may be it will mean:
a. Surgery in the month of may
b. Getting my head cut even further back then the original incision.
c. Having additional skull cut and removed and replaced with some molding clay
d. Having the surgeon fish around in my brain for rogue tumor pieces (the Neurosurgeon mentioned that he had to leave some of the tumor behind from the 1st surgery because it was in a vital area of the brain that is too dangerous to touch :-) so he is cutting additional skull to possibly reach in that dangerous area from a better angle.
e. Guessing what is going to function and not function on my body or in my mind after surgery, if I will be lucid, If I will be myself, If I will be disabled. If I will survive the surgery, If I will have a good quality of life, If I will live.
f. Wondering what I will be in for if I'm lucky enough to make it to recovery because recovery is always fun.

Is that enough of a load for someone to be carrying on their plate? I get to carry that poison for thought around for an additional 2 months! I sure hope that I dont murder someone within these 2 months because I am really stressed. I feel like these are my last days. I'm going insane. I'm going out of my mind. I'm going kookoo. I'm miserable.

To all of my friends and supporters who read this, I give you a big sincere Thank you. I appreciate every single comment of encouragement and support that you leave here on my blog, send me in an email, in a phone conversation or even a visit.

To all you friends (and all you cowards know who you are) who have decided to drop me because you were too scared to ride out the rough waters with me SCREW YOU! Well, I really don't mean that.....but have fun living with that decision for the rest of your life! and may your friends never abandon you when the chips are down like you have done to me.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

and the plot thickens

Well another appointment that didn't go my way. I saw my Neurosurgeon on Thursday, 3/11/10. He looked at my latest MRI and concluded one of two things...1) that there is new tumor regrowth or 2) there is residual (left over tumor from the 1st surgery). So he said that he was going to have to go back and tinker with my brain again and he may have to go back further cutting additional skull. In the same surgery he will replace the missing bone flap (plug up the hole in my head). I wasn't expecting more disappointing news, I was expecting to hear OK all looks good and i'm just gonna cap you off and I dont have to touch your brain. I dont know how long the recovery is going to be and I dont know WTF.

It took me so long to write this update because I was so upset. I'm tired, worn and weary. I will continue to pray to God for this final surgery to be the last one. He said later down the road, IF there is tumor regrowth I will have to get radiation. I have to get another MRI in May and will bring it to him to look at on May 13th 2010. He will be able to determine if it is left over tumor or new tumor regrowth. My surgery will follow immediately in May 2010.


P.S. I dont want to hear ANYBODY saying, "well at least your alive, oh and you have so much to be thankful for" or any other obvious things that I already know. Bottom line...IM ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED! THIS SUCKS!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Great Saturday

I had a great day today. I was able to go to several stores today and get many things done. My leg is working fine even with the slight numbness. The distraction helps a lot. I even took my Coco on a long walk. I really enjoy life. I am very greatful to be alive and cherish my life, my family and friends.

Scary Thursday

On Thursday around 4:00pm I got a global headache as in it was not concentrated in one spot. I took some aspirin to alleviate it. Then around 6pm my right foot and most of my leg went numb and I felt like it was going to give out on me. Anxiety and panic set in as it took me back to that fateful day of June 15 when this whole mess started. It was numb from 6pm to about 10pm. Even my R arm felt slightly numb but nothing like my leg and foot. It was so messed up because I couldn't feel where my foot was going to to land. (picture going up and down stairs with one of your legs numb...not fun.)

Friday was a better day although most of the numbness subsided there was still some there. My leg still doesn't feel normal, it feels slightly compromised. I am just disappointed because I haven't had numbness that bad since before December and I felt great for half of January and the entire month of February. I did not have any numbness at all for that period of time. I thought to myself, "look at me, i'm on the mend afterall, the worst is behind me." Well now i'm not so sure about that. Just another evening of sheer terror. I do notice that any episodes that happen tend to occur at the end of the day. I dont think i'll ever get used to this.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Neurosurgeon canceled on me

On the way to work this morning my neurosurgeon's office calls and asks me if I could come into see the doc today instead of tomorrow. I said no it's too late for that. So anyway I am rescheduled for next Thursday, 3/11/10 to see my Neurosurgeon. I am not anxious about it because I believe I know what he is going to say. He is probably going to say lets wait another 4 to 6 months for you to get another MRI and then we'll take it from there.