Forget the Horror here...Leave it all down here...It's future rust and it's future dust.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen...I have come to a decision
Well it is confirmed. I will have the brain surgery while awake. I am so happy about this being that it is the way to go for tumor in risky parts of the brain. This is the best chance I have of not being disabled. I have a good chance of not being disabled if they put me under too. However, I wanted to maximize my chances thus the choice to have the surgery while awake.
Everything is falling into place. No more waiting for answers. I know when my surgery will be (6/23/10) and I know in what manner it is going to occur.
Finally, a little bit of closure or a lot if you include the pun.
Everything is falling into place. No more waiting for answers. I know when my surgery will be (6/23/10) and I know in what manner it is going to occur.
Finally, a little bit of closure or a lot if you include the pun.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Work Horse
I'm proud to say that I am able to work out like a work horse once again. I can actually get through an entire work-out. Of course using lighter weights than before. Yesterday I did chest and legs. Today I did shoulders, triceps, forearms, side bends. I tried to do some abs but it was too much strain on my brain. Sometime this week I will do back and biceps.
It felt great to get the blood pumping in my legs. I think that helps with the weirdness i've been feeling in my legs.
It felt great to get the blood pumping in my legs. I think that helps with the weirdness i've been feeling in my legs.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Left Leg Numb????
Lately I have been having trouble with either my left or right leg going numb when I am in bed sleeping. It feels like it is either numb or loss of blood circulation (I really cant describe it). A little moving around makes it go away. This can happen to either leg but never at the same time. It never happens when I am up in the day time. Although sometimes I get right sided weakness in my right leg, but that is nothing new and I feel is an issue separate and apart.
Last night as soon as I laid down to sleep, my left leg became numb. I was uncomfortable with it all night. It didn't go away with some adjustment, it just remained all night. Now I've been up since 5:30 am walking around. An hour later and my left leg still feels wooden. I am able to use it like normal however there is less sensation. I took off my socks and ran my finger up and down the bottom of my feet. The right foot had normal sensation. The left foot had little sensation, a lot less than my right foot.
Now I am thinking:
- Do I have a blood clot that is causing poor circulation
OR
- Is the residual tumor affecting my left side now? (My neurosurgeon told me that although my tumor is on the left you would think it would only affect the right side of my body, but it can affect the left side as well.) Isn't it my luck that it happens the day after I see my Neurosurgeon? Of course it is.
I don't know what the heck I did to deserve all this hell that I am going through. I am TERRIFIED. I can't stand living like this anymore. It is torture. I am really in mental anguish. I will go to work this morning. At least my right leg is working so I can drive my car safely to work.
The thoughts that plague me constantly are wearing me down. And I know some of you are saying that I should stop thinking so much. But weird scary stuff is going on in my life. Surgery is pending and I just may be awake for it. I have this residual tumor in my head that is in a life threatening location and I am having numbness in my left leg all of a sudden (I don't know what I am feeling in my left leg but it is a sensation that I have never felt before). It has always been my right side that is affected.
I am at the point of just surrendering to what ever is going to happen. I can't control anything. I am just going to live fearlessly. Whatever happens, happens.
I just can't bear to live like this anymore. Like a scared abused dog cowering in the corner afraid to venture out.
It is not easy to just "think of something else" and "not to worry too much about it". Matter of fact I think it is down right impossible. I think the best thing for me is to just distract myself. That is the only thing that seems to work. Like playing with my dog, or spending the day at the park with family.
Alas, after the distraction is gone, the fear is always there, with it's Cheshire Cat smile, always there to welcome me back home to the wretched underworld of vexation that has now become my world.
Last night as soon as I laid down to sleep, my left leg became numb. I was uncomfortable with it all night. It didn't go away with some adjustment, it just remained all night. Now I've been up since 5:30 am walking around. An hour later and my left leg still feels wooden. I am able to use it like normal however there is less sensation. I took off my socks and ran my finger up and down the bottom of my feet. The right foot had normal sensation. The left foot had little sensation, a lot less than my right foot.
Now I am thinking:
- Do I have a blood clot that is causing poor circulation
OR
- Is the residual tumor affecting my left side now? (My neurosurgeon told me that although my tumor is on the left you would think it would only affect the right side of my body, but it can affect the left side as well.) Isn't it my luck that it happens the day after I see my Neurosurgeon? Of course it is.
I don't know what the heck I did to deserve all this hell that I am going through. I am TERRIFIED. I can't stand living like this anymore. It is torture. I am really in mental anguish. I will go to work this morning. At least my right leg is working so I can drive my car safely to work.
The thoughts that plague me constantly are wearing me down. And I know some of you are saying that I should stop thinking so much. But weird scary stuff is going on in my life. Surgery is pending and I just may be awake for it. I have this residual tumor in my head that is in a life threatening location and I am having numbness in my left leg all of a sudden (I don't know what I am feeling in my left leg but it is a sensation that I have never felt before). It has always been my right side that is affected.
I am at the point of just surrendering to what ever is going to happen. I can't control anything. I am just going to live fearlessly. Whatever happens, happens.
I just can't bear to live like this anymore. Like a scared abused dog cowering in the corner afraid to venture out.
It is not easy to just "think of something else" and "not to worry too much about it". Matter of fact I think it is down right impossible. I think the best thing for me is to just distract myself. That is the only thing that seems to work. Like playing with my dog, or spending the day at the park with family.
Alas, after the distraction is gone, the fear is always there, with it's Cheshire Cat smile, always there to welcome me back home to the wretched underworld of vexation that has now become my world.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Brain Surgery While Awake
I am seriously considering having this next brain surgery while awake. The surgeon can know what parts of the brain are safe to touch and not to touch by asking you during surgery to move certain body parts.
There is nothing I wont do to preserve the best quality of life.
There is nothing I wont do to preserve the best quality of life.
The Neurosurgeon Appt of 5/13/10
Well here it is:
- My surgery is tentatively scheduled for June 23, 2010.
- There is no tumor regrowth.
- There is residual tumor in a dangerous spot which needs to be removed.
- It will be hard to get to.
- It will be a 4 to 5 hour surgery.
- My neuro is confident he can get all the residual safely.
- He will patch up the hole in my skull in the same surgery.
- I will be in the hospital after the surgery for about a week.
- Recovery time is approximately 2 months if all goes well.
- May need some physical therapy.
I asked my Neuro if I would be alright and he had to tell me that there were risks as there are with any brain surgery. He mentioned somethings like I may have right sided weakness and problems remembering words. To what degree, it's anyone's guess. Of course anything can happen. It's the brain. He also said to me "We can do the surgery while your awake". He wasn't joking. I told him I would do whatever would be best for my life and the success of the surgery. I guess he saw the look of terror in my eyes. But he said that it wont be necessary. They are going to put me under.
I know what its like coming out of surgery and it sucks. Your in pain and nauseous and you cant do anything for yourself and you cant really move even if your really uncomfortable among many other things. And the best thing is you get to wonder what works and doesn't work. If I can wonder when I get out of this surgery then I will be happy because that means i'm not a vegetable. You ask yourself all the questions that one would ask in my predicament.
I'm literally banking on everything going well. I have a mortgage already approved and intend to close on a condo on June 1st. I tell ya, i'm really livin' on the edge! And you know what, IT FEELS GOOD. It's also terrifying all at the same time.
I've never been a gambling (wo)man, but look at me now! It's like playing Russian Roulette! Are ya feelin' lucky? Yeah, i'll try my luck!
- My surgery is tentatively scheduled for June 23, 2010.
- There is no tumor regrowth.
- There is residual tumor in a dangerous spot which needs to be removed.
- It will be hard to get to.
- It will be a 4 to 5 hour surgery.
- My neuro is confident he can get all the residual safely.
- He will patch up the hole in my skull in the same surgery.
- I will be in the hospital after the surgery for about a week.
- Recovery time is approximately 2 months if all goes well.
- May need some physical therapy.
I asked my Neuro if I would be alright and he had to tell me that there were risks as there are with any brain surgery. He mentioned somethings like I may have right sided weakness and problems remembering words. To what degree, it's anyone's guess. Of course anything can happen. It's the brain. He also said to me "We can do the surgery while your awake". He wasn't joking. I told him I would do whatever would be best for my life and the success of the surgery. I guess he saw the look of terror in my eyes. But he said that it wont be necessary. They are going to put me under.
I know what its like coming out of surgery and it sucks. Your in pain and nauseous and you cant do anything for yourself and you cant really move even if your really uncomfortable among many other things. And the best thing is you get to wonder what works and doesn't work. If I can wonder when I get out of this surgery then I will be happy because that means i'm not a vegetable. You ask yourself all the questions that one would ask in my predicament.
I'm literally banking on everything going well. I have a mortgage already approved and intend to close on a condo on June 1st. I tell ya, i'm really livin' on the edge! And you know what, IT FEELS GOOD. It's also terrifying all at the same time.
I've never been a gambling (wo)man, but look at me now! It's like playing Russian Roulette! Are ya feelin' lucky? Yeah, i'll try my luck!
RAGE
Well today is my appointment at noon to go see the Neurosurgeon to see what my destiny will be on the chopping block. I'm f-ing terrified and utterly depressed already. I'm scared it's going to be more bad news. I haven't left my Neurosurgeons office once without crying. I'm panicking. I'm f-ing tired. I just want this to be over with already and live the normal life with normal problems that i deserve to live. I'm so pissed. I'm f-ing angry. I feel like rageing. I feel like taking a sledge hammer to a car and axing down a house. I was able to do whatever I wanted to do before this. And now I cant even make it through an entire workout. I've lost so much. I know im still alive and have a lot to be thankful for but dammit i'm aloud to be angry! and angry I am! Im so angry i could spit. And they're so passé about it at the doctors office. i want to spit in their faces too! I dont even want to get dressed today. I've been waiting for results this long, minus well wait till the end of time. I don't care anymore. F-it. I'll go but I don't care anymore. I'm numb at this point. A rageing animal is exactly what I am for having been so mistreated in every aspect of my life. Something somewhere has to have pity on me.
And to all you freakin' normies who have told me "well your lucky considering" - think of what a stupid remark that is to tell someone that is going through something that you couldn't even imagine or comprehend or be strong enough to handle or survive. That is the MOST selfish thing anyone has EVER said to me.
F-ing normies. WEAKLINGS THAT TURN THEIR BACKS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO TERRIFIED TO WATCH THE TRAIN WRECK THAT IS MY LIFE!!!!!! YOU COULD NOT SURVIVE THIS BRAIN TERRORISM! YOU COULD NOT WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES. MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT CARRY THE HUGE BURDEN OF THEIR HEALTH BEING COMPROMISED, BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY THEIR FIANCE WHILE BEING ALREADY STRESSED OUT WITH SEIZURES AND BRAIN SURGERY RECOVERY, SUBSEQUENTLY BEING KICKED OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME, BE HEART BROKEN, CONTINUE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY AT MY FULL TIME JOB, LIVE ON TOP OF ALL THEIR STUFF IN THEIR SISTERS HOUSE, HAVE TO GET A TRUCK AND MOVE ALL 7 YEARS OF STUFF OUT ALL WITHIN 2 WEEKS, FIND A PLACE FOR YOUR DOG IN A DAYS NOTICE, GET A REAL ESTATE AGENT, FIND A PLACE TO PURCHASE, GET APPROVED FOR A MORTGAGE AND CLOSE BETWEEN BRAIN SURGERIES.......REALLY? YOU COULD HANDLE THAT! PLEASE....I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH....SO BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. You know what that is called, AN IRON WILL and life lessons that will serve me so well throughout the rest of my life. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GROW A SET...AND GROW THE F UP!
I'M DONE.
P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW DAMMIT.
And to all you freakin' normies who have told me "well your lucky considering" - think of what a stupid remark that is to tell someone that is going through something that you couldn't even imagine or comprehend or be strong enough to handle or survive. That is the MOST selfish thing anyone has EVER said to me.
F-ing normies. WEAKLINGS THAT TURN THEIR BACKS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO TERRIFIED TO WATCH THE TRAIN WRECK THAT IS MY LIFE!!!!!! YOU COULD NOT SURVIVE THIS BRAIN TERRORISM! YOU COULD NOT WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES. MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT CARRY THE HUGE BURDEN OF THEIR HEALTH BEING COMPROMISED, BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY THEIR FIANCE WHILE BEING ALREADY STRESSED OUT WITH SEIZURES AND BRAIN SURGERY RECOVERY, SUBSEQUENTLY BEING KICKED OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME, BE HEART BROKEN, CONTINUE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY AT MY FULL TIME JOB, LIVE ON TOP OF ALL THEIR STUFF IN THEIR SISTERS HOUSE, HAVE TO GET A TRUCK AND MOVE ALL 7 YEARS OF STUFF OUT ALL WITHIN 2 WEEKS, FIND A PLACE FOR YOUR DOG IN A DAYS NOTICE, GET A REAL ESTATE AGENT, FIND A PLACE TO PURCHASE, GET APPROVED FOR A MORTGAGE AND CLOSE BETWEEN BRAIN SURGERIES.......REALLY? YOU COULD HANDLE THAT! PLEASE....I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH....SO BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. You know what that is called, AN IRON WILL and life lessons that will serve me so well throughout the rest of my life. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GROW A SET...AND GROW THE F UP!
I'M DONE.
P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW DAMMIT.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Good News
I've been approved for my mortgage with Wells Fargo! I didn't doubt it with an 811 credit score....he he he....I brag. I intend to close and set up my new place before my surgery. Hopefully recovery shouldn't be more than 2 months.
This Friday, May 7th I go to get my MRI.
Then on Thursday, May 13th I will see my Neurosurgeon at which point he will tell me what he sees in the MRI and will give me a definite date for surgery.
That's all for now folks.
This Friday, May 7th I go to get my MRI.
Then on Thursday, May 13th I will see my Neurosurgeon at which point he will tell me what he sees in the MRI and will give me a definite date for surgery.
That's all for now folks.
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