Well today is my appointment at noon to go see the Neurosurgeon to see what my destiny will be on the chopping block. I'm f-ing terrified and utterly depressed already. I'm scared it's going to be more bad news. I haven't left my Neurosurgeons office once without crying. I'm panicking. I'm f-ing tired. I just want this to be over with already and live the normal life with normal problems that i deserve to live. I'm so pissed. I'm f-ing angry. I feel like rageing. I feel like taking a sledge hammer to a car and axing down a house. I was able to do whatever I wanted to do before this. And now I cant even make it through an entire workout. I've lost so much. I know im still alive and have a lot to be thankful for but dammit i'm aloud to be angry! and angry I am! Im so angry i could spit. And they're so passé about it at the doctors office. i want to spit in their faces too! I dont even want to get dressed today. I've been waiting for results this long, minus well wait till the end of time. I don't care anymore. F-it. I'll go but I don't care anymore. I'm numb at this point. A rageing animal is exactly what I am for having been so mistreated in every aspect of my life. Something somewhere has to have pity on me.
And to all you freakin' normies who have told me "well your lucky considering" - think of what a stupid remark that is to tell someone that is going through something that you couldn't even imagine or comprehend or be strong enough to handle or survive. That is the MOST selfish thing anyone has EVER said to me.
F-ing normies. WEAKLINGS THAT TURN THEIR BACKS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO TERRIFIED TO WATCH THE TRAIN WRECK THAT IS MY LIFE!!!!!! YOU COULD NOT SURVIVE THIS BRAIN TERRORISM! YOU COULD NOT WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES. MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT CARRY THE HUGE BURDEN OF THEIR HEALTH BEING COMPROMISED, BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY THEIR FIANCE WHILE BEING ALREADY STRESSED OUT WITH SEIZURES AND BRAIN SURGERY RECOVERY, SUBSEQUENTLY BEING KICKED OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME, BE HEART BROKEN, CONTINUE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY AT MY FULL TIME JOB, LIVE ON TOP OF ALL THEIR STUFF IN THEIR SISTERS HOUSE, HAVE TO GET A TRUCK AND MOVE ALL 7 YEARS OF STUFF OUT ALL WITHIN 2 WEEKS, FIND A PLACE FOR YOUR DOG IN A DAYS NOTICE, GET A REAL ESTATE AGENT, FIND A PLACE TO PURCHASE, GET APPROVED FOR A MORTGAGE AND CLOSE BETWEEN BRAIN SURGERIES.......REALLY? YOU COULD HANDLE THAT! PLEASE....I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH....SO BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. You know what that is called, AN IRON WILL and life lessons that will serve me so well throughout the rest of my life. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GROW A SET...AND GROW THE F UP!
I'M DONE.
P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW DAMMIT.
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Wow! After you were so upbeat about getting the mortage, I thought your anger was used up. Not quite. As I said before: Be angry. Scream and yell. I wouldn't recommend spitting at the neurologist's staff, but if they know what is going on they will take it with good grace. I know past history with these MRI's and doctor's visits has not been encouraging. Keep on fighting.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit Maria! I almost checked the "inspiring" box on reactions but thought it might be interpreted wrongly. Rage on! Doc appointments usually put a large dent in my coping skills/attitude and your's is a BIG one. And, gads, I can't imagine all you have on your plate. Let us know how the doc appt goes and rage on!
ReplyDeleteYou are a force to be reckoned with.
LOL, Donna you make me laugh :-)
ReplyDeleteOn the contrary, It would've pleased me to see the "inspiring" box checked.
Jim, This appointment has been a long time coming and I have had to mask my pain with a happy face. Granted, I have had some happy times but when i'm alone with my thoughts fear is there riding me like a cheap whore. (sorry about being so vulgar, but I find it really gets the point across as to how I am really feeling)