Lately I have been having trouble with either my left or right leg going numb when I am in bed sleeping. It feels like it is either numb or loss of blood circulation (I really cant describe it). A little moving around makes it go away. This can happen to either leg but never at the same time. It never happens when I am up in the day time. Although sometimes I get right sided weakness in my right leg, but that is nothing new and I feel is an issue separate and apart.
Last night as soon as I laid down to sleep, my left leg became numb. I was uncomfortable with it all night. It didn't go away with some adjustment, it just remained all night. Now I've been up since 5:30 am walking around. An hour later and my left leg still feels wooden. I am able to use it like normal however there is less sensation. I took off my socks and ran my finger up and down the bottom of my feet. The right foot had normal sensation. The left foot had little sensation, a lot less than my right foot.
Now I am thinking:
- Do I have a blood clot that is causing poor circulation
OR
- Is the residual tumor affecting my left side now? (My neurosurgeon told me that although my tumor is on the left you would think it would only affect the right side of my body, but it can affect the left side as well.) Isn't it my luck that it happens the day after I see my Neurosurgeon? Of course it is.
I don't know what the heck I did to deserve all this hell that I am going through. I am TERRIFIED. I can't stand living like this anymore. It is torture. I am really in mental anguish. I will go to work this morning. At least my right leg is working so I can drive my car safely to work.
The thoughts that plague me constantly are wearing me down. And I know some of you are saying that I should stop thinking so much. But weird scary stuff is going on in my life. Surgery is pending and I just may be awake for it. I have this residual tumor in my head that is in a life threatening location and I am having numbness in my left leg all of a sudden (I don't know what I am feeling in my left leg but it is a sensation that I have never felt before). It has always been my right side that is affected.
I am at the point of just surrendering to what ever is going to happen. I can't control anything. I am just going to live fearlessly. Whatever happens, happens.
I just can't bear to live like this anymore. Like a scared abused dog cowering in the corner afraid to venture out.
It is not easy to just "think of something else" and "not to worry too much about it". Matter of fact I think it is down right impossible. I think the best thing for me is to just distract myself. That is the only thing that seems to work. Like playing with my dog, or spending the day at the park with family.
Alas, after the distraction is gone, the fear is always there, with it's Cheshire Cat smile, always there to welcome me back home to the wretched underworld of vexation that has now become my world.
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I think it seems better when you are really angry, as opposed to "Like a scared abused dog cowering in the corner afraid to venture out." Be angry; it means you are still alive and fighting. Being awake during surgery may be a good idea. You could feel more in control. The practical part is that it may prevent additional damage (but maybe not). Lean on your sisters when you need to.
ReplyDelete"...I am at the point of just surrendering to what ever is going to happen. I can't control anything. I am just going to live fearlessly. Whatever happens, happens..."
ReplyDeleteI work on exactly that -- surrender. And, I don't think that surrender means giving up the fight and losing one's power. Sometimes being able to say, "It is what it is" is the more powerful position to be in.
The challenge for me is to simultaneously have this acceptance attitude while aggressively pushing through the f'd up medical system. Kind of a yin-yang thing. Definitely a duality.
I'm sorry for the terrible angst you're going through. About the what did you do to deserve this? Let go of that thinking. And, in regards to anyone who remotely implies that God is punishing you, you're paying for past life sins, if only you'd meditate in the right way you'd manifest your health, or blah, blah -- well, for these folks I'd revert to the spitting anger!
Please be as gentle as you can be with yourself.
Donna
Jim, As creepy as it seems to me, I think I would feel more comfortable being awake for the surgery. Like you said, I think I would be comforted by having some control or awareness.
ReplyDeleteYeah and I agree, I prefer to be angry than scared. I feel powerful and free when I'm angry.
Hey Donna,
ReplyDeleteSurrender feels good doesn't it. I have to get used to it though. I get so caught up in trying to save myself but sometimes I end up getting in my own way.
You are hilarious with your comment "well, for these folks I'd revert to the spitting anger!" What an awesome statement, "spitting anger".
Thanks for making me laugh today.