Sunday, January 31, 2010


Hi everyone, This week was pretty good. The drive to work is more or less stress free. Yes I am driving myself to work again. Maurice had to drive me to work only one day this week because I was feeling off and I thought to myself better safe than sorry. The drive home is a bit more challenging as it is a dark drive home and the car lights bother me some. I get anxiety driving at night, but the anxiety is becoming less and less as I drive more and more at night.

I only had one bad night this week. I can definitely tell that I am improving more and more every week. Although not every night, I still wake up in the middle of the night a couple times a week with anxiety and I have to talk my anxiety down. God always helps me through it.

I can actually clean the house some. I still haven't conquered the dreaded grocery store. I dont like to go out alone ever, not yet anyway. Believe you me, I will go out alone again.

OK, adios

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Getting There

Well I only had one bad night this week and that was Thursday. I think it is anxiety that takes me down. Since I had a bad experience driving home from work that one time I think it has given me great anxiety when I know I have to drive home. I don't know. Enough with the negative. I had a great Friday and I am having a great Saturday. I feel completely normal today. I know not to over do it and take it easy. I do a little and then stop. I know what happens when I over do it. So all is well and I am getting some much welcomed peace of mind. I will go out tonight with the family to celebrate my sister Aimee's birthday. I will smile and laugh tonight and I will be very thankful for that.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Loss of Control

I am fighting depression. I will win, there is no doubt of that in my mind. However, depression has entered and is lying on the couch with me eating. It is looking in the mirror and crying with me.

How I used to cope with life is by working out and doing cardio. I would go to the gym 5 days a week and feel great doing it. It made me so happy. It made me love life. It was my "thing". Another thing I used to love doing was taking great care of my dog. I used to love taking her for long walks and giving her lots of attention. Yet another thing I loved was my hair. It was my security blanket and that too is gone. Not to mention that my hair is going to be shaved for the 3rd time for my next surgery. Yes it will grow back but all these things have been simultaneously taken from me. I have 6 snakes. They too are being neglected. I am not able to take care of my pets properly because I have a limited amount of energy and also the depression is not helping.

I feel so insecure sometimes. I want to go to the mall today which is about 15 minutes from here but I am a bit apprehensive about it. I dont know. I spend my weekends in my house and thats not good. Sometimes I am obligated because I am not well enough to go out but right now I am feeling fine. That could change at any minute. You never know when those weird feelings are going to show their ugly face and that in itself is nerve wrecking.

Well I have a lot of issues to sort out. I think it is because so much is unresolved in my life. It is the uncertainty of the outcome of all this. Will my MRI come out clear at the end of February or will there still be swelling? What will be done if there is swelling? Will I have to go back on those incapcitating steroids? Will I have my surgery to cover the hole in my head in March? That is a HUGE weight to carry around. A HUGE WEIGHT. That is why I am falling apart and gaining weight and using food for comfort since everything else has been taken away which is compounding my problems.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Good days Bad days

Well just when I started to complain, God threw in a couple of great days for me. I am so thankful for that. These good days renewed my faith and infused me with confidence. This new reality is just that, "new" to me. I have to learn to navigate and adapt. For 33 years I could do what I want when I wanted to without having to worry about if I was going to have a problem if I went to the mall, if there would be a place for me to sit down, if something terrible is going to happen. I notice that I have an issue with anxiety now. I suspect this will improve as I learn my limits. I know I will gain more endurance as time goes on but learning and testing myself is plain scary.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

T O'ed

Did I mentioned how pissed off I am? I am so angry this happened to me. I am tired of the "good days" and the "bad days". I am tired of being on this see-saw. I am tired of being disabled. I am tired of being scared to death. I am tired of being uncertain.

Dam it all! I better get some good news from these docs soon. I swear if my next MRI doesn't come out normal I don't know what I am going to do. I want this hole covered in my head once and for all! I feel so vulnerable with this freakin' hole in my head. One punch to the head and i'm a gonner.

Well I created this blog to vent. I'm going to work today even though it is a "bad" day. Not to mention I had a bad night. I am dizzy once again and my limbs just dont feel right. I cant explain it because it is so difficult to describe. There is no describing it to ANYONE because no one understands and no one can relate.

All right, well here I go, i'm going to work, wish me luck. Wish me courage. Wish me strength. My life sucks.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Another Work Week Complete!

Well I did it! I worked everyday this week from 9 to 5:30 pm no matter what! Monday was hell, Tuesday was hell, Wednesday was hell, and Thursday and Friday were cake! :-)

It feels so good to be able to walk in a straight line again! I tell ya, the things we take for granted.

I am still dizzy, but a very tolerable dizzy. It has been about 120 hours and these steroids are still in my system. I am guessing that the effects of these steroids will be completely gone and out of my system by Monday. That is my guess anyway.

I am so happy that I was able to persevere through the week and earn my paycheck! Thanks to Maurice and Aimee for driving me to and from work.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Steroids and Dizziness

My last day of steroids was Sunday. I was still feeling the awful effects from them yesterday while at work. It was rough going at work. I could barely walk a straight line. Dizzy as heck all day and hoping not to fall.

Waking up today I am feeling a lot less dizzy and a lot more confident.

Steroids can take up to 72 hours from your last dose to leave your system. Steroids are just nasty.

A word to the wise, "JUST SAY NO!"

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Last Day of Steroids

Well I took my last steroid (2mg) pill today. Little by little I am getting my balance back and losing all the other terrible side effects. The side effects are hanging around but I am sure will dissipate gradually. Normal sleep patterns shall return, normal appetite, acne will clear, etc.