I went to the gym yesterday. I was working out a bit harder than usual, probably more than I should have been. I had to stop half-way through because I started to get symptoms of fatigue like some mild shaking, nausea and dizziness. So with that came on the anxiety. I left the gym and went home. I had to take a xanax in the car I was so stressed. Then you start thinking, "I hope I can make it home, I hope I dont have a seizure in the car and crash it, etc." So many horrific scenarios go through your mind and with that creates more anxiety.
So I get home and notice the white of my left eye is really very red. The right one was white like normal. So here I go in my head, thinking what is happening here? Is it a hemorrhage in my brain caused by lifting too heavy? The anxiety was so bad that I had to call my dad because I was so scared. Then I started to feel light headed. Right before I went to bed I looked at my eye and it was even more red. I cried a bit and prayed to God and attempted to go to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept twitching and was hoping that I wouldn't die in my sleep. I wish that someone was there to comfort me. But there wasn't. It was just God and I. Then I got this horrible feeling of doom and terror. It was around 1am and I just had to talk to someone. So I called my sister Aimee. She didn't answer probably because she was working. So I just stood my ground like a warrior and tried to think good thoughts.
As you've seen in a previous post, i've gone for weeks feeling so close to 100% and really enjoying my life. The prospect of regressing is devastating. I just want to have normal worries and concerns like having enough money to pay the mortgage. Whenever something weird happens to my body, like the appearance of a single red eye, you can't help but say to yourself in so many words, "oh God, I dont want to die!" Because that's the bottom line. I've never been this paranoid before and I would think that it's gonna take some time for this anxiety and paranoia to go away.
I hope they will proceed with surgery with this red eye. I woke up this morning thankfully and had no pillow under my head. My pillow was pushed to the other side of the bed. I wonder what happened in my sleep? Did I have a seizure or did I just jerk really hard, or was I thrashing? Before all this brain tumor crap I would have just laughed at that and said "boy I must have been dreaming hard". But now, it's a new world.
Maybe it's this surgery that is slowly but surely trinkleing towards me that is causing all these things. I dont know anymore. Im tired. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I would like someone else to take over being the strong one for me. I know I am incredibly strong but even I need a break sometimes.
Anyway, it's the next day, Saturday, June 19, 2010 and my eye is still very red. Pray for me.
P.S. I HATE ALL OF THIS!