Saturday, June 19, 2010

One Red Eye

I went to the gym yesterday. I was working out a bit harder than usual, probably more than I should have been. I had to stop half-way through because I started to get symptoms of fatigue like some mild shaking, nausea and dizziness. So with that came on the anxiety. I left the gym and went home. I had to take a xanax in the car I was so stressed. Then you start thinking, "I hope I can make it home, I hope I dont have a seizure in the car and crash it, etc." So many horrific scenarios go through your mind and with that creates more anxiety.

So I get home and notice the white of my left eye is really very red. The right one was white like normal. So here I go in my head, thinking what is happening here? Is it a hemorrhage in my brain caused by lifting too heavy? The anxiety was so bad that I had to call my dad because I was so scared. Then I started to feel light headed. Right before I went to bed I looked at my eye and it was even more red. I cried a bit and prayed to God and attempted to go to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept twitching and was hoping that I wouldn't die in my sleep. I wish that someone was there to comfort me. But there wasn't. It was just God and I. Then I got this horrible feeling of doom and terror. It was around 1am and I just had to talk to someone. So I called my sister Aimee. She didn't answer probably because she was working. So I just stood my ground like a warrior and tried to think good thoughts.

As you've seen in a previous post, i've gone for weeks feeling so close to 100% and really enjoying my life. The prospect of regressing is devastating. I just want to have normal worries and concerns like having enough money to pay the mortgage. Whenever something weird happens to my body, like the appearance of a single red eye, you can't help but say to yourself in so many words, "oh God, I dont want to die!" Because that's the bottom line. I've never been this paranoid before and I would think that it's gonna take some time for this anxiety and paranoia to go away.

I hope they will proceed with surgery with this red eye. I woke up this morning thankfully and had no pillow under my head. My pillow was pushed to the other side of the bed. I wonder what happened in my sleep? Did I have a seizure or did I just jerk really hard, or was I thrashing? Before all this brain tumor crap I would have just laughed at that and said "boy I must have been dreaming hard". But now, it's a new world.

Maybe it's this surgery that is slowly but surely trinkleing towards me that is causing all these things. I dont know anymore. Im tired. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I would like someone else to take over being the strong one for me. I know I am incredibly strong but even I need a break sometimes.

Anyway, it's the next day, Saturday, June 19, 2010 and my eye is still very red. Pray for me.



  1. It's your big day. Prayers and hugs coming your way.

    Take it easy for a long time. I know that's harder for some of us to do -- I way overdid it.

    Be gentle on the exercise, and on you.


  2. God Bless you, Maria. I clicked on your blog from Donna's and have just read all of your posts, I am just in shock and the terror you are suriving with as you say, an "Iron Will".

    I'm sorry you lost your relationship w significant other and friends in this awful time for you.

    I just thought I'd let you know, someone else out in the blog world will be thinking positive thoughts and sending them your way.

    Both you and Donna, give me a perspective I know neither one of you ever would have wanted to give to others.

    Thank you for sharing.

  3. Thanks Donna, I know you understand about the exercise thing. You want to function like you used to but ya just can't! grrrrr. I guess i'll just have to diet a little harder. Oh and my surgery is this Wednesday, June 23, 2010 at 11am....YIKES!

    Stephany, well hello there :-) How kind are you? I am honored that you would take the time to read all of my posts. Thank you so much for sharing my world. I appreciate your attention and support.

  4. Oh, I was wondering why you were posting on your big day! Yeah, less is more now when it comes to exercise. Of course, our scenarios are different. But I understand the drive. Please be gentle with yourself and try to get in touch with your inner walk-in-the-park gal. She's a warrior too.

    Maria, you've waited for so so long. Am glad your big day is almost here. It will be so good to get this done so you can gently proceed with healing. Do what you can in the next few days to ground. I remember how jittery I was. As I live alone, in the days before my surgery, I'd read out loud to myself in the middle of the night to keep calm.

    I'll be flying back home that day. Will send you lots of thoughts and prayers from the sky.

    Take care,

  5. I don't know what your understanding with your doctors is. Could you have called your doctors or some medical professional when you noticed the red eye? It's nice to call your sister, but to get some answers to your questions I'd rather you talk to a medical person. I don't know if you have enough evidence to conclude the red eye was from "overdoing" exercise. I had a big "floater" in one eye and I called my eye doctor because I considered it an emergency, maybe a detached retina. The doctor squeezed me in and I did not rest until she (the doctor) checked me out.

  6. Hi Maria,

    I hope all goes well tomorrow, and that you will be back to NORMAL, real soon. I will be thinking of and praying for you.

    BTW, congrats on the new place.
    Love, Laurie

  7. Hi Laurie, Thank you so much for your congrats and prayers. Prayers are powerful!