Surgery Delay

For two days I have been very dizzy. My head feels like it wants to fall down. I am hobbling around. I cannot drive anymore and have to depend on rides to and from work. I have become very limited.

I went to see my neurosurgeon. I was supposed to get my plate placed in my head in January but now because the swelling has not subsided it has to be put off until March perhaps. I will get another MRI at the end of February and if the swelling has gone down then the plate will be placed in March.

Anxiety takes over me. I am not at all sure about what is going on. I do not like this new dizziness that I am experiencing. My license has been taken away, I am on steroids for the swelling, I am on two different anti-seizure drugs and emotionally comprimised for obvious reasons. It has all been so much to take since June. I dont know, but my right foot/calf seems to be off. Maybe I am just beyond paranoid.

My spirit is starting to wane. I begin to wonder if I am going to make it. What will my future be? Will I be around much longer? Maurice, the love of my life, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cherish every kiss and moment we are blessed with and remain to share. I cherish my beloved Sisters Aimee and Bizzy. I cherish my father and my little nephew Andrew. I hope to see him grow up, I hope to be around to help my family like they have helped me.

I pray for the strength to make it through this. I need strength. I need to believe. I am trying to hold on to my job for as long as I can. It is so hard for me to get through the day lately. I cant walk properly. I am dizzy.

I worry about my docs in Philadelphia (Thomas Jefferson Hospital) not communicating with my Neurosurgeon (Dr. Sanford Fineman) in Union, NJ. They dont communicate at all. I am left to delegate all but I can barely delegate my own life. I am tired and worn, I am 34! I am scared to death.

I dont want to dissapear forever. I NEVER want to lose my true love Maurice, EVER!

I cant wait for this to be over. Sometimes I feel that it is going to break me. I dont know how to process this.

I dont know.

The only thing I do know is that I LOVE LIFE AND I AM WILLING TO FIGHT!