HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2010!

My best friend Barbara, her husband, her sister-in-law and I had a blast on Halloween's Eve.  We went to a club that night and everyone was dressed up for Halloween.  They had a contest for best Halloween costume.  I thought for sure that Brian's German Bar Maid costume was going to win......that was till I saw Mount Rushmore...lol!

The Flower Child, the Witch, and the Diva

Here is Barbara's husband the German Bar Maid being dainty and polite, lol!

I was asked if I was Donna Summer, Chaka Kahn and Diana Ross!

My BFF Barbara - the Flower Child

Me as a Disco Diva

My sister Bizzy who is pregnant with her 2nd!

My sister Aimeé and I

Mount Rushmore in the background!  Best costume ever!

Mount Rushmore and I

The German Bar Maid and I

Thriving and Loving life!

Wouldn't let it take my beauty!

Intensity

Back in the gym!

See me shine!

Fearless

New Condo Pics - God is GOOD!

This Condo is my little slice of heaven and sanctuary.

A New Beginning

I am really enjoying my life and some well deserved relief! Whew! I went to a haunted house in NYC on Wednesday night. It was AWESOME. I went pumpkin picking with my sister Rosanna (who took these awesome pics, she is a photographer) my sister Bizzy, her husband and their baby which is my nephew. Bizzy graciously let me stay at her home while I was disabled and drove me around everywhere and basically took care of me. She is a great sister. My older sister Aimee took me to doctors appointments and was there after every surgery to comfort me when I cried out for her. I am really blessed.

From the Ashes

I can't believe it. I really can't believe it. What the heck just happened? Was that some horrendous nightmare I just had?! I am finally free! I have made it! I made it through the storm! I am so happy. I am BEYOND happy! I return to work the day after tomorrow, Thursday, September 23rd. Now it's back to beautiful life like I have never known it before. I used to get angry and be miserable at trivial things. But now every time I remember how close I came to being disabled and/or dead....a big smile of relief comes onto my face....and I THANK GOD! I am so humbled. I have a whole new perspective on life...just how precious it is. Life is a gift. I am lucky to be alive to be able to experience the good and the bad in life. I should be so lucky to be able to be alive to have problems like the car breaking down, or not being able to pay the bills. There is ALWAYS a reason to live. ALWAYS. LIFE IS A GIFT. I couldn't of made it through without support. So thank you all for your loving support. I am so excited to get back to life.

GOD = LOVE.............LOVE = GOD

WELL THAT'S MY MENINGIOMA STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT.
THE END - EXIT STAGE LEFT

Vanessa Daou - If I could

100% Recovery

Well I am just about 100% and ready to go back to work. I plan to go back to work on 9/23/10 on a part time basis then after a week we'll see how I feel about going back full-time.

I have been living on my own for a month now. My condo is splendid. I feel right at home in my little nook in the world.

My dad bought me a 47 inch Samsung LED flat screen TV!
My younger sister Bizzy bought me an entertainment center!
My older sister Aimee bought me a computer desk!
and my Best Friend Barbara bought me a blu-ray player!

How lucky am I?

I thank God everyday for EVERYTHING. For my amazing recovery, for my condo, for life itself! And most importantly I thank him for my family, my best friend Barbara and her husband Brian and all those who stuck by me. THANK YOU ALL AND THANK YOU GOD SO MUCH. I am amazed by Gods benevolence. My life is really coming together now
:-)

Finally an Update

Hey Everyone,
I have not had internet access for a while and have been busy moving into my new condo. Here's the latest progress:

- I can drive :-)
- I continue to get stronger everyday
- I am continuing with Physical Therapy
- I am stressed out waiting to find out if my incision is going to be infected or heal nicely.
- I no longer limp when I walk. I meld in nicely with the general population.
- I will follow up with my Neurosurgeon on 8/31/10.

That's all for now.

Donna, thank you very much for the card and your concern.

Right Arm Restored

Friday night my right arm decided to come back to action :-) It is still clumsy but I definitely have a lot more range of motion and can actually maneuver it well. I am naturally left handed and tend to be clumsy with my right hand as it is. However, my physical therapist told me that I should eat with my right hand and do as much as I could with my right hand to stimulate the brain/arm connection. I'm thinking that's what did it.

Now I'm just waiting for the ankle to come back to life. BTW, I'm walking without the cane AND the brace. I walk with a bit of a limp but at the rate I am healing I have 100% faith that these things will restore as well. Plus I need to be able to drive! I have no side to side ankle movement. Up and down ankle movement is improving everyday. I can't wiggle my toes either but being so far from the brain these things are the LAST to come to life.

I'm Back from the Dead

Phew! Glad I made it out of that one! 7 hour brain surgery followed by vomiting all over myself in NICU through the night. Followed by RAGE at my right side being paralyzed. I came out of surgery pale as a ghost and speaking Spanish and French. About a week later I was sent to JFK Rehab in Edison, NJ to learn how to walk again. Let me tell you it has been HELL but I am so freakin happy to be alive! You get out of Physical Therapy what you put into it. 25 days ago I could not move my R side at all. Now, I am back at my sisters walking around with a leg brace and a cane. I am expected to make a 100% recovery. I get stronger everyday. My stuff has been moved into my condo courtesy of Bizzy, Rosie and friends. I am very optimistic about the future.

OMG - DAY OF SURGERY

ITS 5:15AM AND I'M GONNA LEAVE FOR THE HOSPITAL IN 15 MINUTES.

THIS IS SURREAL. I CANT BELIEVE I'M GONNA DO THIS AGAIN.

WORST PART: COMING OUT OF SURGERY

2ND: ANTICIPATING THE SURGERY FOR MONTHS, WEEKS, DAYS

3RD: BEGINNING OF RECOVERY

4TH: PAIN AND DISCOMFORT

5TH: ANXIETY

ALRIGHT WELL I'M SIGNING OUT.

NEXT TIME I POST WILL PROBABLY BE IN A WEEK OR SO.

LOVE,
MARIA

The Day is Finally Here

I've been waiting an entire year for this day (6/23/10). I am every emotion that exists all in one right now. But three emotions that are prominent are excitement, optimism and relief; as this horrific chapter in my life is coming to an end.

I have such a beautiful future ahead of me. Just this last hurdle and then it's a glorious life for me.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND OPTIMISM.

IM GONNA DO THIS, READY TO FIGHT, FEARLESS AND DETERMINED. I MEAN BUSINESS. THIS ISN'T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO! (MY FAVORITE LINE FROM MOMMY DEAREST)

I have to be at the hospital at 7am for an MRI and then I will be rolled into surgery at 8:30am. I will be in the hospital for only a week God willing and then will recover anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks at my sister Bizzy's house. I anticipate returning to work on August 24th, 2010.

Unlike my first two recoveries, this will be a smooth recovery, I can feel it in my gut and we all know what that means, it means that God is telling me so.

All right party people, let's do this! This story is over. I'll see you on the other side (the other side of this surgery that is).

One Red Eye

I went to the gym yesterday. I was working out a bit harder than usual, probably more than I should have been. I had to stop half-way through because I started to get symptoms of fatigue like some mild shaking, nausea and dizziness. So with that came on the anxiety. I left the gym and went home. I had to take a xanax in the car I was so stressed. Then you start thinking, "I hope I can make it home, I hope I dont have a seizure in the car and crash it, etc." So many horrific scenarios go through your mind and with that creates more anxiety.

So I get home and notice the white of my left eye is really very red. The right one was white like normal. So here I go in my head, thinking what is happening here? Is it a hemorrhage in my brain caused by lifting too heavy? The anxiety was so bad that I had to call my dad because I was so scared. Then I started to feel light headed. Right before I went to bed I looked at my eye and it was even more red. I cried a bit and prayed to God and attempted to go to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept twitching and was hoping that I wouldn't die in my sleep. I wish that someone was there to comfort me. But there wasn't. It was just God and I. Then I got this horrible feeling of doom and terror. It was around 1am and I just had to talk to someone. So I called my sister Aimee. She didn't answer probably because she was working. So I just stood my ground like a warrior and tried to think good thoughts.

As you've seen in a previous post, i've gone for weeks feeling so close to 100% and really enjoying my life. The prospect of regressing is devastating. I just want to have normal worries and concerns like having enough money to pay the mortgage. Whenever something weird happens to my body, like the appearance of a single red eye, you can't help but say to yourself in so many words, "oh God, I dont want to die!" Because that's the bottom line. I've never been this paranoid before and I would think that it's gonna take some time for this anxiety and paranoia to go away.

I hope they will proceed with surgery with this red eye. I woke up this morning thankfully and had no pillow under my head. My pillow was pushed to the other side of the bed. I wonder what happened in my sleep? Did I have a seizure or did I just jerk really hard, or was I thrashing? Before all this brain tumor crap I would have just laughed at that and said "boy I must have been dreaming hard". But now, it's a new world.

Maybe it's this surgery that is slowly but surely trinkleing towards me that is causing all these things. I dont know anymore. Im tired. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I would like someone else to take over being the strong one for me. I know I am incredibly strong but even I need a break sometimes.

Anyway, it's the next day, Saturday, June 19, 2010 and my eye is still very red. Pray for me.

P.S. I HATE ALL OF THIS!

It's Official, I'm a homeowner!

Yep! that's right. I closed on my condo on Friday, June 18, 2010. Made it just in time before my surgery. That is a big load off my shoulders.

Hers

His

Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

I will Fear no Evil; For you are with me.

I've been having incredibly wonderful days like I have never experienced before in my lifetime. I am filled with such a happiness and an appreciation for life like I have never known. I feel so fortunate for these gifts.

Sure I am apprehensive about this upcoming surgery, for I wouldn't be human if I were not fearful. At the same time, I feel very confident about it. I am at peace with it. My gut feeling tells me that I am going to recover very quickly and be just as good or better than I am now. I feel that. The feeling I get in my gut is God's way of comforting and guiding me. I know it to be true for me anyway. That is my relationship with God. That is why I always go with my gut. That is how I make all decisions in my life.

I Thank You God for all my family and friends supporting and nurturing me back to life with patience, selflessness and compassion through this most difficult, horrific, challenging and life threatening experience. I couldn't survive without all of these qualities in the human race. Thank you all for being selfless human beings.

Leave the Horror here

Forget the Horror here...Leave it all down here...It's future rust and it's future dust.

Ladies and Gentlemen...I have come to a decision

Well it is confirmed. I will have the brain surgery while awake. I am so happy about this being that it is the way to go for tumor in risky parts of the brain. This is the best chance I have of not being disabled. I have a good chance of not being disabled if they put me under too. However, I wanted to maximize my chances thus the choice to have the surgery while awake.

Everything is falling into place. No more waiting for answers. I know when my surgery will be (6/23/10) and I know in what manner it is going to occur.

Finally, a little bit of closure or a lot if you include the pun.

Work Horse

I'm proud to say that I am able to work out like a work horse once again. I can actually get through an entire work-out. Of course using lighter weights than before. Yesterday I did chest and legs. Today I did shoulders, triceps, forearms, side bends. I tried to do some abs but it was too much strain on my brain. Sometime this week I will do back and biceps.

It felt great to get the blood pumping in my legs. I think that helps with the weirdness i've been feeling in my legs.

Juan Luis Guerra "Bachata en Fukuoka" HD official Video.

This is all I want in my life.

Left Leg Numb????

Lately I have been having trouble with either my left or right leg going numb when I am in bed sleeping. It feels like it is either numb or loss of blood circulation (I really cant describe it). A little moving around makes it go away. This can happen to either leg but never at the same time. It never happens when I am up in the day time. Although sometimes I get right sided weakness in my right leg, but that is nothing new and I feel is an issue separate and apart.

Last night as soon as I laid down to sleep, my left leg became numb. I was uncomfortable with it all night. It didn't go away with some adjustment, it just remained all night. Now I've been up since 5:30 am walking around. An hour later and my left leg still feels wooden. I am able to use it like normal however there is less sensation. I took off my socks and ran my finger up and down the bottom of my feet. The right foot had normal sensation. The left foot had little sensation, a lot less than my right foot.

Now I am thinking:
- Do I have a blood clot that is causing poor circulation
OR
- Is the residual tumor affecting my left side now? (My neurosurgeon told me that although my tumor is on the left you would think it would only affect the right side of my body, but it can affect the left side as well.) Isn't it my luck that it happens the day after I see my Neurosurgeon? Of course it is.

I don't know what the heck I did to deserve all this hell that I am going through. I am TERRIFIED. I can't stand living like this anymore. It is torture. I am really in mental anguish. I will go to work this morning. At least my right leg is working so I can drive my car safely to work.

The thoughts that plague me constantly are wearing me down. And I know some of you are saying that I should stop thinking so much. But weird scary stuff is going on in my life. Surgery is pending and I just may be awake for it. I have this residual tumor in my head that is in a life threatening location and I am having numbness in my left leg all of a sudden (I don't know what I am feeling in my left leg but it is a sensation that I have never felt before). It has always been my right side that is affected.

I am at the point of just surrendering to what ever is going to happen. I can't control anything. I am just going to live fearlessly. Whatever happens, happens.

I just can't bear to live like this anymore. Like a scared abused dog cowering in the corner afraid to venture out.

It is not easy to just "think of something else" and "not to worry too much about it". Matter of fact I think it is down right impossible. I think the best thing for me is to just distract myself. That is the only thing that seems to work. Like playing with my dog, or spending the day at the park with family.

Alas, after the distraction is gone, the fear is always there, with it's Cheshire Cat smile, always there to welcome me back home to the wretched underworld of vexation that has now become my world.

Brain Surgery While Awake

I am seriously considering having this next brain surgery while awake. The surgeon can know what parts of the brain are safe to touch and not to touch by asking you during surgery to move certain body parts.

There is nothing I wont do to preserve the best quality of life.

The Neurosurgeon Appt of 5/13/10

Well here it is:

- My surgery is tentatively scheduled for June 23, 2010.
- There is no tumor regrowth.
- There is residual tumor in a dangerous spot which needs to be removed.
- It will be hard to get to.
- It will be a 4 to 5 hour surgery.
- My neuro is confident he can get all the residual safely.
- He will patch up the hole in my skull in the same surgery.
- I will be in the hospital after the surgery for about a week.
- Recovery time is approximately 2 months if all goes well.
- May need some physical therapy.

I asked my Neuro if I would be alright and he had to tell me that there were risks as there are with any brain surgery. He mentioned somethings like I may have right sided weakness and problems remembering words. To what degree, it's anyone's guess. Of course anything can happen. It's the brain. He also said to me "We can do the surgery while your awake". He wasn't joking. I told him I would do whatever would be best for my life and the success of the surgery. I guess he saw the look of terror in my eyes. But he said that it wont be necessary. They are going to put me under.

I know what its like coming out of surgery and it sucks. Your in pain and nauseous and you cant do anything for yourself and you cant really move even if your really uncomfortable among many other things. And the best thing is you get to wonder what works and doesn't work. If I can wonder when I get out of this surgery then I will be happy because that means i'm not a vegetable. You ask yourself all the questions that one would ask in my predicament.

I'm literally banking on everything going well. I have a mortgage already approved and intend to close on a condo on June 1st. I tell ya, i'm really livin' on the edge! And you know what, IT FEELS GOOD. It's also terrifying all at the same time.

I've never been a gambling (wo)man, but look at me now! It's like playing Russian Roulette! Are ya feelin' lucky? Yeah, i'll try my luck!

RAGE

Well today is my appointment at noon to go see the Neurosurgeon to see what my destiny will be on the chopping block. I'm f-ing terrified and utterly depressed already. I'm scared it's going to be more bad news. I haven't left my Neurosurgeons office once without crying. I'm panicking. I'm f-ing tired. I just want this to be over with already and live the normal life with normal problems that i deserve to live. I'm so pissed. I'm f-ing angry. I feel like rageing. I feel like taking a sledge hammer to a car and axing down a house. I was able to do whatever I wanted to do before this. And now I cant even make it through an entire workout. I've lost so much. I know im still alive and have a lot to be thankful for but dammit i'm aloud to be angry! and angry I am! Im so angry i could spit. And they're so passé about it at the doctors office. i want to spit in their faces too! I dont even want to get dressed today. I've been waiting for results this long, minus well wait till the end of time. I don't care anymore. F-it. I'll go but I don't care anymore. I'm numb at this point. A rageing animal is exactly what I am for having been so mistreated in every aspect of my life. Something somewhere has to have pity on me.

And to all you freakin' normies who have told me "well your lucky considering" - think of what a stupid remark that is to tell someone that is going through something that you couldn't even imagine or comprehend or be strong enough to handle or survive. That is the MOST selfish thing anyone has EVER said to me.

F-ing normies. WEAKLINGS THAT TURN THEIR BACKS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO TERRIFIED TO WATCH THE TRAIN WRECK THAT IS MY LIFE!!!!!! YOU COULD NOT SURVIVE THIS BRAIN TERRORISM! YOU COULD NOT WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES. MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT CARRY THE HUGE BURDEN OF THEIR HEALTH BEING COMPROMISED, BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY THEIR FIANCE WHILE BEING ALREADY STRESSED OUT WITH SEIZURES AND BRAIN SURGERY RECOVERY, SUBSEQUENTLY BEING KICKED OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME, BE HEART BROKEN, CONTINUE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY AT MY FULL TIME JOB, LIVE ON TOP OF ALL THEIR STUFF IN THEIR SISTERS HOUSE, HAVE TO GET A TRUCK AND MOVE ALL 7 YEARS OF STUFF OUT ALL WITHIN 2 WEEKS, FIND A PLACE FOR YOUR DOG IN A DAYS NOTICE, GET A REAL ESTATE AGENT, FIND A PLACE TO PURCHASE, GET APPROVED FOR A MORTGAGE AND CLOSE BETWEEN BRAIN SURGERIES.......REALLY? YOU COULD HANDLE THAT! PLEASE....I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH....SO BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. You know what that is called, AN IRON WILL and life lessons that will serve me so well throughout the rest of my life. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GROW A SET...AND GROW THE F UP!

I'M DONE.

P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW DAMMIT.

Good News

I've been approved for my mortgage with Wells Fargo! I didn't doubt it with an 811 credit score....he he he....I brag. I intend to close and set up my new place before my surgery. Hopefully recovery shouldn't be more than 2 months.

This Friday, May 7th I go to get my MRI.

Then on Thursday, May 13th I will see my Neurosurgeon at which point he will tell me what he sees in the MRI and will give me a definite date for surgery.

That's all for now folks.

Puzzle Pieces

I just wish all the pieces would fall already. I'm tired of the pieces floating above my head knowing one could possibly come crashing down on me at anytime, nerve wrecking really. I know, the only way I am tolerating this hell is by having patience and faith in God.

My life is such a mess right now. I have lost my nest and my significant other. I'm so tired of being uncomfortable. I just want a peaceful existence with the normal challenges sprinkled in here and there for good measure. I'm so tired of waiting for something to change.

(Shrugging shoulders followed by putting head down)

Split in Two

Sorry I haven't updated in a while but I've been dealing with another drama in my life. My fiancé and I have called it quits. We are separated. I have moved as much as I can out of his house. I have a lot more to get out as I was living in his house for 6.5 years. When one becomes really ill and one becomes the caretaker, well lets just say that can reek havoc on a relationship.

So it has been even more stressful than usual. I'm very strong though. Very strong. I am living out of a shoe box with my sister "Bizzy" at her house in East Brunswick. Thank God for my sisters. Thank God for Bizzy and her wonderful husband Andrew for letting me crash at their home. I get to see my 1 year old nephew everyday so that is a great joy.

Well I found a nice condo that is 8 minutes away from my sister Bizzy and 15 minutes from my job. I made an offer on it and now all I have to do is get approved for a mortgage. So I am hoping that goes through. Things are going to be tight but manageable. I am excited to live alone and have my own investment. I am looking forward to building equity. I feel this is the best time to buy. As they say, "buy low, sell high". Not to mention I will be getting the $8K tax credit.

Having Good Times

Hello all,

I must say I have been feeling awesome as of late. I went to the gym for the first time in a long time and it felt great because that is one of my favorite things in the world. I wasn't able to do my usual workout, but it was a good start.

Today is the first day that i'm not feeling so hot. But I feel that it is nothing that rest cannot resolve.

Also I went to a wedding last weekend and was able to dance all night. I do have some serious anxiety at times. However, distractions seem to dispel that anxiety, like having friends, family and my dog around to make me feel comfortable and relaxed.

The Anticipation is Killing me!

Well what I have to look forward to:

- MRI Results in May 2010
- Whatever the results may be it will mean:
a. Surgery in the month of may
b. Getting my head cut even further back then the original incision.
c. Having additional skull cut and removed and replaced with some molding clay
d. Having the surgeon fish around in my brain for rogue tumor pieces (the Neurosurgeon mentioned that he had to leave some of the tumor behind from the 1st surgery because it was in a vital area of the brain that is too dangerous to touch :-) so he is cutting additional skull to possibly reach in that dangerous area from a better angle.
e. Guessing what is going to function and not function on my body or in my mind after surgery, if I will be lucid, If I will be myself, If I will be disabled. If I will survive the surgery, If I will have a good quality of life, If I will live.
f. Wondering what I will be in for if I'm lucky enough to make it to recovery because recovery is always fun.

Is that enough of a load for someone to be carrying on their plate? I get to carry that poison for thought around for an additional 2 months! I sure hope that I dont murder someone within these 2 months because I am really stressed. I feel like these are my last days. I'm going insane. I'm going out of my mind. I'm going kookoo. I'm miserable.

To all of my friends and supporters who read this, I give you a big sincere Thank you. I appreciate every single comment of encouragement and support that you leave here on my blog, send me in an email, in a phone conversation or even a visit.

To all you friends (and all you cowards know who you are) who have decided to drop me because you were too scared to ride out the rough waters with me SCREW YOU! Well, I really don't mean that.....but have fun living with that decision for the rest of your life! and may your friends never abandon you when the chips are down like you have done to me.

GOODBYE!

and the plot thickens

Well another appointment that didn't go my way. I saw my Neurosurgeon on Thursday, 3/11/10. He looked at my latest MRI and concluded one of two things...1) that there is new tumor regrowth or 2) there is residual (left over tumor from the 1st surgery). So he said that he was going to have to go back and tinker with my brain again and he may have to go back further cutting additional skull. In the same surgery he will replace the missing bone flap (plug up the hole in my head). I wasn't expecting more disappointing news, I was expecting to hear OK all looks good and i'm just gonna cap you off and I dont have to touch your brain. I dont know how long the recovery is going to be and I dont know WTF.

It took me so long to write this update because I was so upset. I'm tired, worn and weary. I will continue to pray to God for this final surgery to be the last one. He said later down the road, IF there is tumor regrowth I will have to get radiation. I have to get another MRI in May and will bring it to him to look at on May 13th 2010. He will be able to determine if it is left over tumor or new tumor regrowth. My surgery will follow immediately in May 2010.

I WANT TO LIVE A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE.... I WANT TO LIVE PERIOD..... OH AND DONT FORGET, MOST IMPORTANTLY I WANT MY FREAKIN' GORGEOUS HAIR BACK.... I'M A FREAKIN GIRL FOR * SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I dont want to hear ANYBODY saying, "well at least your alive, oh and you have so much to be thankful for" or any other obvious things that I already know. Bottom line...IM ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED! THIS SUCKS!

Great Saturday

I had a great day today. I was able to go to several stores today and get many things done. My leg is working fine even with the slight numbness. The distraction helps a lot. I even took my Coco on a long walk. I really enjoy life. I am very greatful to be alive and cherish my life, my family and friends.

Scary Thursday

On Thursday around 4:00pm I got a global headache as in it was not concentrated in one spot. I took some aspirin to alleviate it. Then around 6pm my right foot and most of my leg went numb and I felt like it was going to give out on me. Anxiety and panic set in as it took me back to that fateful day of June 15 when this whole mess started. It was numb from 6pm to about 10pm. Even my R arm felt slightly numb but nothing like my leg and foot. It was so messed up because I couldn't feel where my foot was going to to land. (picture going up and down stairs with one of your legs numb...not fun.)

Friday was a better day although most of the numbness subsided there was still some there. My leg still doesn't feel normal, it feels slightly compromised. I am just disappointed because I haven't had numbness that bad since before December and I felt great for half of January and the entire month of February. I did not have any numbness at all for that period of time. I thought to myself, "look at me, i'm on the mend afterall, the worst is behind me." Well now i'm not so sure about that. Just another evening of sheer terror. I do notice that any episodes that happen tend to occur at the end of the day. I dont think i'll ever get used to this.

Neurosurgeon canceled on me

On the way to work this morning my neurosurgeon's office calls and asks me if I could come into see the doc today instead of tomorrow. I said no it's too late for that. So anyway I am rescheduled for next Thursday, 3/11/10 to see my Neurosurgeon. I am not anxious about it because I believe I know what he is going to say. He is probably going to say lets wait another 4 to 6 months for you to get another MRI and then we'll take it from there.

MRI Results

Well i'm listening to a very appropriate song while typing this post. It is called, "Shattered Dreams". Today I traveled through a supposed "snow storm" to Philadelphia to get an MRI and to see my epilepsy docs. They compared the MRI from December that showed the swelling with the MRI from today and to my GREAT dismay, there was no change. However I have been feeling great for the entire month of February. However today, I dont know if is my nerves or what, but my right leg and foot feel slightly numb. Heck, I dont know what I feel anymore. I was so disappointed. I cried. Then I stopped and picked myself up. I am up but I'm disoriented as in completely lost. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. This is not the way that I imagined this day. Not what I wanted to hear. I feel high anxiety and depression. I'm just glad that I am doing well regardless. Everything is functioning properly. I dreamed of getting my surgery over and done with in March. Alas I feel that is not going to be. Perhaps this is somehow a blessing in disguise.

Anyway, I see my neurosurgeon on Tuesday and we shall see what he says upon laying his eyes upon my latest MRI.

February 25th

Well my next MRI is next Thursday, February 25th. That will determine what will happen within the next few months. Of course I am hoping that the MRI comes out clean, the swelling is gone and the surgery to place the plate can be scheduled and I can get back to growing back my mane.

I've been doing good as of late. I did a 1/2 hour of cardio on my stairmaster on level 1. I felt a little funny afterwords because I could feel the hole in my head pulsing extra hard through my scalp. Gross right!

Still doing good as of late. Still some anxiety. Too much snow!!!!

Still Going Strong

I feel so good. I feel like the worst is behind me. I feel like I am on the mend for sure. I feel excited about life and getting mine back. I get anxiety over any little physical pain, muscle soreness or headache that I may have. I am sure that will subside overtime. I can't wait to get my third surgery over with. I know I will feel so much better physically and mentally once the hole in my head is capped. I don't know, there is always that deep dark place that fears tragedy is right around the corner again. Regardless, I am living every moment of my life with outright enthusiasm like I never have before.

Update

Hi everyone, This week was pretty good. The drive to work is more or less stress free. Yes I am driving myself to work again. Maurice had to drive me to work only one day this week because I was feeling off and I thought to myself better safe than sorry. The drive home is a bit more challenging as it is a dark drive home and the car lights bother me some. I get anxiety driving at night, but the anxiety is becoming less and less as I drive more and more at night.

I only had one bad night this week. I can definitely tell that I am improving more and more every week. Although not every night, I still wake up in the middle of the night a couple times a week with anxiety and I have to talk my anxiety down. God always helps me through it.

I can actually clean the house some. I still haven't conquered the dreaded grocery store. I dont like to go out alone ever, not yet anyway. Believe you me, I will go out alone again.

OK, adios

Getting There

Well I only had one bad night this week and that was Thursday. I think it is anxiety that takes me down. Since I had a bad experience driving home from work that one time I think it has given me great anxiety when I know I have to drive home. I don't know. Enough with the negative. I had a great Friday and I am having a great Saturday. I feel completely normal today. I know not to over do it and take it easy. I do a little and then stop. I know what happens when I over do it. So all is well and I am getting some much welcomed peace of mind. I will go out tonight with the family to celebrate my sister Aimee's birthday. I will smile and laugh tonight and I will be very thankful for that.

Loss of Control

I am fighting depression. I will win, there is no doubt of that in my mind. However, depression has entered and is lying on the couch with me eating. It is looking in the mirror and crying with me.

How I used to cope with life is by working out and doing cardio. I would go to the gym 5 days a week and feel great doing it. It made me so happy. It made me love life. It was my "thing". Another thing I used to love doing was taking great care of my dog. I used to love taking her for long walks and giving her lots of attention. Yet another thing I loved was my hair. It was my security blanket and that too is gone. Not to mention that my hair is going to be shaved for the 3rd time for my next surgery. Yes it will grow back but all these things have been simultaneously taken from me. I have 6 snakes. They too are being neglected. I am not able to take care of my pets properly because I have a limited amount of energy and also the depression is not helping.

I feel so insecure sometimes. I want to go to the mall today which is about 15 minutes from here but I am a bit apprehensive about it. I dont know. I spend my weekends in my house and thats not good. Sometimes I am obligated because I am not well enough to go out but right now I am feeling fine. That could change at any minute. You never know when those weird feelings are going to show their ugly face and that in itself is nerve wrecking.

Well I have a lot of issues to sort out. I think it is because so much is unresolved in my life. It is the uncertainty of the outcome of all this. Will my MRI come out clear at the end of February or will there still be swelling? What will be done if there is swelling? Will I have to go back on those incapcitating steroids? Will I have my surgery to cover the hole in my head in March? That is a HUGE weight to carry around. A HUGE WEIGHT. That is why I am falling apart and gaining weight and using food for comfort since everything else has been taken away which is compounding my problems.

Good days Bad days

Well just when I started to complain, God threw in a couple of great days for me. I am so thankful for that. These good days renewed my faith and infused me with confidence. This new reality is just that, "new" to me. I have to learn to navigate and adapt. For 33 years I could do what I want when I wanted to without having to worry about if I was going to have a problem if I went to the mall, if there would be a place for me to sit down, if something terrible is going to happen. I notice that I have an issue with anxiety now. I suspect this will improve as I learn my limits. I know I will gain more endurance as time goes on but learning and testing myself is plain scary.

T O'ed

Did I mentioned how pissed off I am? I am so angry this happened to me. I am tired of the "good days" and the "bad days". I am tired of being on this see-saw. I am tired of being disabled. I am tired of being scared to death. I am tired of being uncertain.

Dam it all! I better get some good news from these docs soon. I swear if my next MRI doesn't come out normal I don't know what I am going to do. I want this hole covered in my head once and for all! I feel so vulnerable with this freakin' hole in my head. One punch to the head and i'm a gonner.

Well I created this blog to vent. I'm going to work today even though it is a "bad" day. Not to mention I had a bad night. I am dizzy once again and my limbs just dont feel right. I cant explain it because it is so difficult to describe. There is no describing it to ANYONE because no one understands and no one can relate.

All right, well here I go, i'm going to work, wish me luck. Wish me courage. Wish me strength. My life sucks.

Another Work Week Complete!

Well I did it! I worked everyday this week from 9 to 5:30 pm no matter what! Monday was hell, Tuesday was hell, Wednesday was hell, and Thursday and Friday were cake! :-)

It feels so good to be able to walk in a straight line again! I tell ya, the things we take for granted.

I am still dizzy, but a very tolerable dizzy. It has been about 120 hours and these steroids are still in my system. I am guessing that the effects of these steroids will be completely gone and out of my system by Monday. That is my guess anyway.

I am so happy that I was able to persevere through the week and earn my paycheck! Thanks to Maurice and Aimee for driving me to and from work.

Steroids and Dizziness

My last day of steroids was Sunday. I was still feeling the awful effects from them yesterday while at work. It was rough going at work. I could barely walk a straight line. Dizzy as heck all day and hoping not to fall.

Waking up today I am feeling a lot less dizzy and a lot more confident.

Steroids can take up to 72 hours from your last dose to leave your system. Steroids are just nasty.

A word to the wise, "JUST SAY NO!"

Last Day of Steroids

Well I took my last steroid (2mg) pill today. Little by little I am getting my balance back and losing all the other terrible side effects. The side effects are hanging around but I am sure will dissipate gradually. Normal sleep patterns shall return, normal appetite, acne will clear, etc.