I'm Back from the Dead

Phew! Glad I made it out of that one! 7 hour brain surgery followed by vomiting all over myself in NICU through the night. Followed by RAGE at my right side being paralyzed. I came out of surgery pale as a ghost and speaking Spanish and French. About a week later I was sent to JFK Rehab in Edison, NJ to learn how to walk again. Let me tell you it has been HELL but I am so freakin happy to be alive! You get out of Physical Therapy what you put into it. 25 days ago I could not move my R side at all. Now, I am back at my sisters walking around with a leg brace and a cane. I am expected to make a 100% recovery. I get stronger everyday. My stuff has been moved into my condo courtesy of Bizzy, Rosie and friends. I am very optimistic about the future.

OMG - DAY OF SURGERY

ITS 5:15AM AND I'M GONNA LEAVE FOR THE HOSPITAL IN 15 MINUTES.

THIS IS SURREAL. I CANT BELIEVE I'M GONNA DO THIS AGAIN.

WORST PART: COMING OUT OF SURGERY

2ND: ANTICIPATING THE SURGERY FOR MONTHS, WEEKS, DAYS

3RD: BEGINNING OF RECOVERY

4TH: PAIN AND DISCOMFORT

5TH: ANXIETY

ALRIGHT WELL I'M SIGNING OUT.

NEXT TIME I POST WILL PROBABLY BE IN A WEEK OR SO.

LOVE,
MARIA

The Day is Finally Here

I've been waiting an entire year for this day (6/23/10). I am every emotion that exists all in one right now. But three emotions that are prominent are excitement, optimism and relief; as this horrific chapter in my life is coming to an end.

I have such a beautiful future ahead of me. Just this last hurdle and then it's a glorious life for me.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND OPTIMISM.

IM GONNA DO THIS, READY TO FIGHT, FEARLESS AND DETERMINED. I MEAN BUSINESS. THIS ISN'T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO! (MY FAVORITE LINE FROM MOMMY DEAREST)

I have to be at the hospital at 7am for an MRI and then I will be rolled into surgery at 8:30am. I will be in the hospital for only a week God willing and then will recover anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks at my sister Bizzy's house. I anticipate returning to work on August 24th, 2010.

Unlike my first two recoveries, this will be a smooth recovery, I can feel it in my gut and we all know what that means, it means that God is telling me so.

All right party people, let's do this! This story is over. I'll see you on the other side (the other side of this surgery that is).

One Red Eye

I went to the gym yesterday. I was working out a bit harder than usual, probably more than I should have been. I had to stop half-way through because I started to get symptoms of fatigue like some mild shaking, nausea and dizziness. So with that came on the anxiety. I left the gym and went home. I had to take a xanax in the car I was so stressed. Then you start thinking, "I hope I can make it home, I hope I dont have a seizure in the car and crash it, etc." So many horrific scenarios go through your mind and with that creates more anxiety.

So I get home and notice the white of my left eye is really very red. The right one was white like normal. So here I go in my head, thinking what is happening here? Is it a hemorrhage in my brain caused by lifting too heavy? The anxiety was so bad that I had to call my dad because I was so scared. Then I started to feel light headed. Right before I went to bed I looked at my eye and it was even more red. I cried a bit and prayed to God and attempted to go to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep because I kept twitching and was hoping that I wouldn't die in my sleep. I wish that someone was there to comfort me. But there wasn't. It was just God and I. Then I got this horrible feeling of doom and terror. It was around 1am and I just had to talk to someone. So I called my sister Aimee. She didn't answer probably because she was working. So I just stood my ground like a warrior and tried to think good thoughts.

As you've seen in a previous post, i've gone for weeks feeling so close to 100% and really enjoying my life. The prospect of regressing is devastating. I just want to have normal worries and concerns like having enough money to pay the mortgage. Whenever something weird happens to my body, like the appearance of a single red eye, you can't help but say to yourself in so many words, "oh God, I dont want to die!" Because that's the bottom line. I've never been this paranoid before and I would think that it's gonna take some time for this anxiety and paranoia to go away.

I hope they will proceed with surgery with this red eye. I woke up this morning thankfully and had no pillow under my head. My pillow was pushed to the other side of the bed. I wonder what happened in my sleep? Did I have a seizure or did I just jerk really hard, or was I thrashing? Before all this brain tumor crap I would have just laughed at that and said "boy I must have been dreaming hard". But now, it's a new world.

Maybe it's this surgery that is slowly but surely trinkleing towards me that is causing all these things. I dont know anymore. Im tired. I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. I would like someone else to take over being the strong one for me. I know I am incredibly strong but even I need a break sometimes.

Anyway, it's the next day, Saturday, June 19, 2010 and my eye is still very red. Pray for me.

P.S. I HATE ALL OF THIS!

It's Official, I'm a homeowner!

Yep! that's right. I closed on my condo on Friday, June 18, 2010. Made it just in time before my surgery. That is a big load off my shoulders.

Hers

His

Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

I will Fear no Evil; For you are with me.

I've been having incredibly wonderful days like I have never experienced before in my lifetime. I am filled with such a happiness and an appreciation for life like I have never known. I feel so fortunate for these gifts.

Sure I am apprehensive about this upcoming surgery, for I wouldn't be human if I were not fearful. At the same time, I feel very confident about it. I am at peace with it. My gut feeling tells me that I am going to recover very quickly and be just as good or better than I am now. I feel that. The feeling I get in my gut is God's way of comforting and guiding me. I know it to be true for me anyway. That is my relationship with God. That is why I always go with my gut. That is how I make all decisions in my life.

I Thank You God for all my family and friends supporting and nurturing me back to life with patience, selflessness and compassion through this most difficult, horrific, challenging and life threatening experience. I couldn't survive without all of these qualities in the human race. Thank you all for being selfless human beings.

Leave the Horror here

Forget the Horror here...Leave it all down here...It's future rust and it's future dust.

Ladies and Gentlemen...I have come to a decision

Well it is confirmed. I will have the brain surgery while awake. I am so happy about this being that it is the way to go for tumor in risky parts of the brain. This is the best chance I have of not being disabled. I have a good chance of not being disabled if they put me under too. However, I wanted to maximize my chances thus the choice to have the surgery while awake.

Everything is falling into place. No more waiting for answers. I know when my surgery will be (6/23/10) and I know in what manner it is going to occur.

Finally, a little bit of closure or a lot if you include the pun.

Work Horse

I'm proud to say that I am able to work out like a work horse once again. I can actually get through an entire work-out. Of course using lighter weights than before. Yesterday I did chest and legs. Today I did shoulders, triceps, forearms, side bends. I tried to do some abs but it was too much strain on my brain. Sometime this week I will do back and biceps.

It felt great to get the blood pumping in my legs. I think that helps with the weirdness i've been feeling in my legs.

Juan Luis Guerra "Bachata en Fukuoka" HD official Video.

This is all I want in my life.

Left Leg Numb????

Lately I have been having trouble with either my left or right leg going numb when I am in bed sleeping. It feels like it is either numb or loss of blood circulation (I really cant describe it). A little moving around makes it go away. This can happen to either leg but never at the same time. It never happens when I am up in the day time. Although sometimes I get right sided weakness in my right leg, but that is nothing new and I feel is an issue separate and apart.

Last night as soon as I laid down to sleep, my left leg became numb. I was uncomfortable with it all night. It didn't go away with some adjustment, it just remained all night. Now I've been up since 5:30 am walking around. An hour later and my left leg still feels wooden. I am able to use it like normal however there is less sensation. I took off my socks and ran my finger up and down the bottom of my feet. The right foot had normal sensation. The left foot had little sensation, a lot less than my right foot.

Now I am thinking:
- Do I have a blood clot that is causing poor circulation
OR
- Is the residual tumor affecting my left side now? (My neurosurgeon told me that although my tumor is on the left you would think it would only affect the right side of my body, but it can affect the left side as well.) Isn't it my luck that it happens the day after I see my Neurosurgeon? Of course it is.

I don't know what the heck I did to deserve all this hell that I am going through. I am TERRIFIED. I can't stand living like this anymore. It is torture. I am really in mental anguish. I will go to work this morning. At least my right leg is working so I can drive my car safely to work.

The thoughts that plague me constantly are wearing me down. And I know some of you are saying that I should stop thinking so much. But weird scary stuff is going on in my life. Surgery is pending and I just may be awake for it. I have this residual tumor in my head that is in a life threatening location and I am having numbness in my left leg all of a sudden (I don't know what I am feeling in my left leg but it is a sensation that I have never felt before). It has always been my right side that is affected.

I am at the point of just surrendering to what ever is going to happen. I can't control anything. I am just going to live fearlessly. Whatever happens, happens.

I just can't bear to live like this anymore. Like a scared abused dog cowering in the corner afraid to venture out.

It is not easy to just "think of something else" and "not to worry too much about it". Matter of fact I think it is down right impossible. I think the best thing for me is to just distract myself. That is the only thing that seems to work. Like playing with my dog, or spending the day at the park with family.

Alas, after the distraction is gone, the fear is always there, with it's Cheshire Cat smile, always there to welcome me back home to the wretched underworld of vexation that has now become my world.

Brain Surgery While Awake

I am seriously considering having this next brain surgery while awake. The surgeon can know what parts of the brain are safe to touch and not to touch by asking you during surgery to move certain body parts.

There is nothing I wont do to preserve the best quality of life.

The Neurosurgeon Appt of 5/13/10

Well here it is:

- My surgery is tentatively scheduled for June 23, 2010.
- There is no tumor regrowth.
- There is residual tumor in a dangerous spot which needs to be removed.
- It will be hard to get to.
- It will be a 4 to 5 hour surgery.
- My neuro is confident he can get all the residual safely.
- He will patch up the hole in my skull in the same surgery.
- I will be in the hospital after the surgery for about a week.
- Recovery time is approximately 2 months if all goes well.
- May need some physical therapy.

I asked my Neuro if I would be alright and he had to tell me that there were risks as there are with any brain surgery. He mentioned somethings like I may have right sided weakness and problems remembering words. To what degree, it's anyone's guess. Of course anything can happen. It's the brain. He also said to me "We can do the surgery while your awake". He wasn't joking. I told him I would do whatever would be best for my life and the success of the surgery. I guess he saw the look of terror in my eyes. But he said that it wont be necessary. They are going to put me under.

I know what its like coming out of surgery and it sucks. Your in pain and nauseous and you cant do anything for yourself and you cant really move even if your really uncomfortable among many other things. And the best thing is you get to wonder what works and doesn't work. If I can wonder when I get out of this surgery then I will be happy because that means i'm not a vegetable. You ask yourself all the questions that one would ask in my predicament.

I'm literally banking on everything going well. I have a mortgage already approved and intend to close on a condo on June 1st. I tell ya, i'm really livin' on the edge! And you know what, IT FEELS GOOD. It's also terrifying all at the same time.

I've never been a gambling (wo)man, but look at me now! It's like playing Russian Roulette! Are ya feelin' lucky? Yeah, i'll try my luck!